Conflicts
Conflict
“When I believe that if you get what you want, I cannot have what I want”
(O’Hair, Wiemann, Mullin, & Teven, 2015, p. 214).
Conflict resolution, know it, live it, mediate it on almost a daily basis. Whether faced head-on with a confrontation or positioned as a mediator between staff or colleagues, in my professional role, this is one of my most active skill sets. When it comes to my personal life; however, I am a walking conflict, and although most are trivial and quickly resolved, many have festered for years. Unfortunately, it is in those that I have allowed to fester that has influenced my current role as wife and mother. Where did it all begin; in my early childhood. Additionally, because of these lifelong experiences, I find my most significant conflicts happening within myself; but with knowledge, comes the ability to change.
My mother is a loving human-being who I cherish; as long as it is at a distance. Growing up in a broken home I never quite knew what message I would be receiving from day to day and now as an adult, rather than work at healing and building a relationship with her, I grit my teeth and tolerate her insatiable comments. Further still, my children often ask why grandma criticizes me so much and my daughter, now 20, struggles with visits as my mother is now beginning to treat her in the same manner. This behavior has always been a part of my life, but not my daughter’s nor will it be.
Unproductive Conflict
“Conflict that is managed poorly and has a negative impact on the individuals and relationships involved” (O’Hair, et. al, 2015, p. 214).
The damage of unproductive conflict can be brutal but with recognition, can be stopped. To resolve this lifetime of battle, I must first recognize my role as an escapist; a person who tries, “To prevent or avoid direct conflict altogether or, if they have to engage in it, get it over with as quickly as possible” (p. 227). I am obviously obliging my mother’s remarks rather than avoiding because I do love and care for her. Additionally, I must also recognize the climate in which my mother and I exist which is one of uncertainty. Although she recognized I am often upset or withdrawn, she is definitely, “Unclear, vague, tentative, and awkward about the goals, expectations, and potential outcomes” (p. 221) of our situation because she is unaware of the conflict that resides inside of me. For our relationship to flourish, I must take the time to first, forgive myself and seek to have an open conversation with her. Second, to begin the healing process, I would like to view our situation from a third side, or rather, take on the role of a provider and offer respect. “Human beings have a host of emotional needs – for love and recognition, for belonging and identity, for purpose and meaning to their lives” (Provider, n.d.). There are meaning and purpose behind everyone’s behavior, I owe it to myself, my daughter, and mother to uncover the meaning behind ours.
References:
O’Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven. (2015). Real communication (3rd. ed). New
York: Bedford/St. Martin’s.
Provider - Enable People to Meet Their Needs. (n.d.). Retrieved from
http://thirdside.williamury.com/provider/
Your post is so heartfelt. It sounds like you know exactly what needs to happen. I am certain it is easier said than done. I wonder if you mom is aware what her comments do to you? And now your daughter? Do you think she realizes it or if you do bring this up it will blindside her? I wish you the best of luck and think you are definitely on the right track :)
ReplyDeleteHello, thank you for sharing your reflections on conflict. I also avoid conflict and like you said it can turn into a cycle. I hope this course helps you (and myself) to be more assertive and turn conflict into opportunities for growth. I agree with Deann that maybe your mother needs to hear how you feel about her comments and how they affect you.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. We not only own it to others but to ourselves to try to understand behaviors and why people act the way they do. When we acknowledge all parties feeling we can try to find a means to an end with conflict resolution
ReplyDeleteLynnette,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your personal story about your relationship with your mom and now your daughter. My mom was sometimes that way too, always critiquing or criticizing me when I was growing up, and even now as I am an adult. I know she loves me, so I sometimes take a backseat to her comments. My husband always tells me to stand up for myself when my mother starts on me. After taking this course and learning about conflict resolutions this week, I will try better to stand up for myself, while simultaneously trying to get to the root of our problems. I commend you for stopping the cycle with your mom and daughter. I am sure it can be hard, but you are on the right path.
Jennifer
Lynnette,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your blog. I agree Conflict resolution, know it, live it, and mediate it on almost a daily basis. I learn you got to have conflict and good listening. Because listening is very important part of conflict and communication as well with children. Because conflict and listening shows that you care and can strengthen relationships with families and with children.
Iesha
I agree with your blog as well, I remember my best friend mom had some of the similarities of how her mother treated her. I agree with the term you use to identify your conflict with your mother, it sad that your daughter have to deal with the same behavior you endure since childhood. I hope one day your guys can resolve this issue and until then continue to keep your head up and move forward. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete